Plan "B"

I've been listening to a lot of Dashboard Confessional lately. It hasn't really been by choice. Launch just keeps putting more and more Dashboard on my playlist, so I listen. Sad, sappy music that makes you dwell on your regrets. They're all pretty much about relationships and breaking up. It's country music without the twang and banjos. I just heard one that had some interesting lyrics if you've recently broken up, or if you're going through a down patch in your life (gee, what an upbeat blog, eh?)

Well, I'm not all sad and sappy, but I am feeling reflective. My solitude gives me plenty of time to think. It's not new that I've past the issue of regret and denial and whatever the other steps of loss are, and I've come to terms with my situation (divorce).

In a manner of speaking, I've stopped sitting by the phone, but I've left the answering machine on just in case. If I have something I want to share with her, I'll email her, but I won't expect her to initiate any emails. That sounds a bit one sided, but that's the way it has been and the way it is now. I've initated a vast majority of any communications between us. I won't (can't) expect her to initiate any communications, so I can only conclude that to a very large extent - she's done with me. With no hope of resolution beyond parting as friends. I guess I'll never be offered the opportunity of restitution or recommittal, and so be it. The fact that I had offered (however indirectly) has been made. If she has chosen to not accept the effort and offer, it's her choice.

One thing's for sure. I'll never make that mistake again. Mostly because I'm not the same person I was and therefore can't make that mistake. But also because I've learned, grown since then. Right now is a time of growth in some good ways, but in some not good ways too. I'm growing in my ability to understand the consequences of some of my actions, but I'm also growing apart from letting myself get so close to anyone ever again. "Mother, did it need to be so high?"


Vindicated - Dashboard Confessional

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine ahead has caught my eye
And roped me in so mesmerizing
It's so hypnotizing
I am captivated
I am

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so
Isolated so
Motivated I am
Certain now that I am

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

So tired of the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment for forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim
Against the current

So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

My hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption