Plan "B"

I was talking to an acquaintance a few weeks ago about my thoughts on remarriage, and why I don't date. "Don't you want to be happy?" seemed to be the theme of the conversation. To give the audience perspective, she's a Catholic who's been happily married for many years. We sometimes talk at length about things that matter, and sometimes the subject of our respective personal faiths comes up. She asked me a question that I didn’t have an immediate answer to, so I thought I'd take some time to reflect, study, surf the 'net and pray. What are my thoughts on me remarrying?

It's been said that marriage is the "ever after" of "once upon a time". But what if the "ever after" doesn't start with "and they lived happily..."? What instead if it ends with,"...and just like her father suggested, they got divorced after all"? And what does that mean for Christians? I found several online Bible studies on the subject, as well as some markings in my own Bible to point me around. Here's what I've found so far.

First and foremost, God intended for man to be joined to a woman (no, this isn't a gay marriage bashing entry - neither were the other ones) for life, and go forth and multiply. Nice plan, but fast forward a couple of centuries. People gave and were given in marriage, and everyone started having kittens at an alarming rate. Over time, some spouses decided that the grass was greener on the other side of the hut, and thought that they might be better off without this stranger in their bed. So, our collective hearts grew cold and hard, and God had to make a rule that if a man decided that he had enough, that he could give his wife a decree of divorce - and that was that. Sorry gals, I didn't see a mention of what to do if you have had it with the old man.

Fast forward a few more centuries, and along came this guy (who also happened to be the son of God), who started telling us that God didn't just want "face time". But that God was genuinely interested in what was in our hearts. We'd been poking around in the desert - doing the right things on the right days and saying the right things at the right times, but all along doing it with a long face. So, He stood in front of the crowd, telling them all about the real rules of marriage and divorce and adultery.

I'll start here, in Matthew 5 - The sermon on the mount.

He says, "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery. [from Exodus 20:14]', but I tell you that everyone who gazes at a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart." [Matt. 5:27-28] Show me a man who hasn't done this to some extent, and I'd suggest you check for a pulse. It's ingrained in us [speaking for all men]. On one extreme, if you've ever glanced at an attractive woman who enters a room, have you committed adultery? On the other extreme, if you've definitely had sex with a woman who is not your wife, you have committed adultery. In some cultures, women are required to hide their faces, and in some instances disfigure their outline with large smocks. No wonder, if the rules are really as strict as the first example. The area in between these two extremes is an interesting one. It deals with touchy subjects like porn and strip clubs and office parties. For the purposes of this exercise, I'll state that I've never wished to sleep with anyone other than my wife while I was married, and therefore have never committed adultery. History and further understanding of my Bible will decide if I was right in my presumption of innocence.

So, onward. "It was also said, 'Whoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorce,'[Deuteronomy 24:1] but I tell you that whoever puts away his wife, except for the cause of sexual immorality, makes her an adulteress; and whoever marries her when she is put away commits adultery." [Matt. 5:31-32] Here, I have to take some latitude in the translation to mean that it deals with men divorcing women as well as women divorcing men - a concept that was apparently lost on the ancients. So, just like that "poof" I'm an adulterer, and if I were ever to find another woman I would consider marrying, I'd make her an adulterer too! Pretty pinch to be in, eh?

That's where I end up, and that's where I think I need to be. But it's not all doom and gloom. It's the circumstances that I've chosen for better or for worse, and I can show a willingness to accept whatever God hands me in this. In one respect, it allows me more time to fall in love with the One I should really be in love with. Perhaps someday, I'll be able to give some advise to someone who's considering divorce. Off the cuff, I'd certainly recommend counselling by a Christian counselor.