Tuesday, February 27, 2007
When it rains, it pours
Round Two - ding! ding! I got an email last night on another subject, and it absolutely riped my heart out. I cried and cried all night, and haven't been to sleep yet. So, I was pretty grogy for my 8:30 meeting this morning. This one I'll share with appologies to the other party. I've been working on my heart for quite a while now, trying to deal with my divorce - and what happens next. I've read dozens of passages from the Bible, spent countless hours studying and even started making a goofy flowchart - a sort of Idiot's guide through the pathways, obstacles and barriers to being single, marriage, divorce and remarriage. It's on my desk right now in fact. It follows Genesis, through Matt 5 and basically ends in 1 Cor 7.
I sought the advise of Christian friends. I didn't speak to any pastors (yet), but I know of some who have actually excommunicated people for getting divorced. Much of the advise (as much as it was good to hear) I needed to reject, because I could not find uncompromised support in the Bible, and the Bible is my final authority.
The main difficulty was (for me) the choice of starting over - taking a new chance, or resolving to bear the courage of my conviction. I opted for the latter, although both could be valid. "At what point", I thought, "do I stop waking up every morning and recursively saying 'Well, I wasn't a Christian yesterday, but starting today, I will be.' ?" No. Because I know myself too well.
Once I figured out what I needed to do, I realized that I still needed to work on me as a person. I needed to take on some things. I needed to give some things up. I needed to read the Bible regularly and I needed to believe in my heart. Truly, deeply believe. "To know that I know that I know", if you will. I'm not where I want to be yet, but I'm also not where I was. I'm far from that person. People change.
A few months ago, I'd decided that all I needed was courage that would enable me to make the call. I can't count the number of letters I'd started and never sent. I can't tell you the number of times I checked and rechecked each word to make sure my motives were pure. That was paramount for me. I'd been so selfish in the past that I didn't want this to be another selfish act of getting my way. I have scraps of paper and directories of txt files all over with bits and pieces of how I feel, but nothing seemed to work. Nothing seemed to come close to what I needed to say or how I wanted to say it.
Finally, last week, I couldn't resist any longer. Ready or not, I needed to open a line of communication and start expressing my thoughts. I sent a quick opener. Just a few sentences to introduce myself and ask how she was.
The response came last night. She has remarried.
I know I have a heart, because it's broken. I know I've loved, because I've lost it.
I know I'm released from the marriage, but that doesn't make me single. It makes me divorced, and as a divorced person, remarriage would be adultery in my Bible. There is no such thing as annulment in my Bible. Is it pride that makes me refuse to start over - take another chance? Is it self pity that cry's "poor victim, boo hoo"? Is it something else not from God? No. I believe in my heart that my motives are pure, and this is God's love for me. If He didn't love me and I didn't love Him, I could do whatever I wanted and He would say it was o.k.. But He does love me, and he's disciplining me right now.
Yes, it hurts, but a good spanking should hurt. It should leave red marks so I'll have something to remind me that I was disobedient.
This would not have been my reaction a few years ago. A few years ago, I would have shaken my fist at the ceiling and cried, "Not fair!" A few years ago, I would have deviced a plan to get my own way. I've grown.
And as it turns out though, I have been given that second chance after all. I've been given a chance to live out my Christian beliefs as God leads me. I've been given a chance to have God really move in my life. I've been given a chance to have my life changed for the better and forever. I've been given a chance to be tested, and I believe my iron has passed. On this battlefront anyway. I still have an inbox of issues to deal with from other people. Wow, when it rains, it pours.
I sought the advise of Christian friends. I didn't speak to any pastors (yet), but I know of some who have actually excommunicated people for getting divorced. Much of the advise (as much as it was good to hear) I needed to reject, because I could not find uncompromised support in the Bible, and the Bible is my final authority.
The main difficulty was (for me) the choice of starting over - taking a new chance, or resolving to bear the courage of my conviction. I opted for the latter, although both could be valid. "At what point", I thought, "do I stop waking up every morning and recursively saying 'Well, I wasn't a Christian yesterday, but starting today, I will be.' ?" No. Because I know myself too well.
Once I figured out what I needed to do, I realized that I still needed to work on me as a person. I needed to take on some things. I needed to give some things up. I needed to read the Bible regularly and I needed to believe in my heart. Truly, deeply believe. "To know that I know that I know", if you will. I'm not where I want to be yet, but I'm also not where I was. I'm far from that person. People change.
A few months ago, I'd decided that all I needed was courage that would enable me to make the call. I can't count the number of letters I'd started and never sent. I can't tell you the number of times I checked and rechecked each word to make sure my motives were pure. That was paramount for me. I'd been so selfish in the past that I didn't want this to be another selfish act of getting my way. I have scraps of paper and directories of txt files all over with bits and pieces of how I feel, but nothing seemed to work. Nothing seemed to come close to what I needed to say or how I wanted to say it.
Finally, last week, I couldn't resist any longer. Ready or not, I needed to open a line of communication and start expressing my thoughts. I sent a quick opener. Just a few sentences to introduce myself and ask how she was.
The response came last night. She has remarried.
I know I have a heart, because it's broken. I know I've loved, because I've lost it.
I know I'm released from the marriage, but that doesn't make me single. It makes me divorced, and as a divorced person, remarriage would be adultery in my Bible. There is no such thing as annulment in my Bible. Is it pride that makes me refuse to start over - take another chance? Is it self pity that cry's "poor victim, boo hoo"? Is it something else not from God? No. I believe in my heart that my motives are pure, and this is God's love for me. If He didn't love me and I didn't love Him, I could do whatever I wanted and He would say it was o.k.. But He does love me, and he's disciplining me right now.
Yes, it hurts, but a good spanking should hurt. It should leave red marks so I'll have something to remind me that I was disobedient.
This would not have been my reaction a few years ago. A few years ago, I would have shaken my fist at the ceiling and cried, "Not fair!" A few years ago, I would have deviced a plan to get my own way. I've grown.
And as it turns out though, I have been given that second chance after all. I've been given a chance to live out my Christian beliefs as God leads me. I've been given a chance to have God really move in my life. I've been given a chance to have my life changed for the better and forever. I've been given a chance to be tested, and I believe my iron has passed. On this battlefront anyway. I still have an inbox of issues to deal with from other people. Wow, when it rains, it pours.
