Sunday, June 03, 2007
The Yard Sale: Act 1: Scene 3
SCENE 3: Interior Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Kramer are present.
KRAMER: You know what I just found out?
JERRY: Dollars don't cost two dollars?
KRAMER: No. I just found out that the postage machines at the post office give out Susan B Anthonys as change.
JERRY: So?
KRAMER: So?! So, Jerry?! So, haven't you been paying attention? Jerry, they're not making these anymore. These are collectibles. People just don't understand the value.
JERRY skeptical: Riiiight.
KRAMER: Hey, give me twenty dollars, buddy.
JERRY: Twenty dollars? What happened to your money?
KRAMER: It's all tied up. I need twenty bucks to buy a stamp.
JERRY: That's some stamp. Are you taking a cheap trip somewhere by mailing yourself?
KRAMER: No, Jerry. You see, I put a twenty dollar bill into the postage machine and buy one stamp. Then, the change comes in Susan B Anthony dollars.
Outer door buzzes. Jerry just stares at Kramer as if he's crazy.
JERRY at intercom: Yeah?
ELAINE: Me.
JERRY: C'mon up.
Jerry buzzes Elaine in and opens his front door.
JERRY: Alright Jerome. When do you think these dollars are going to be worth anything more than a dollar?
KRAMER: Oh, they're going to be priceless, Jerry. I'm going to corner the market in Susan B's. Didn't you see Goldfinger?
Jerry hands a twenty dollar bill to Kramer
JERRY: Alright, but if I find you buying any nuclear devices with this you're going to put an unnecessary strain on our relationship.
Elaine enters.
ELAINE: Hey.
JERRY: Hey.
KRAMER: Hey. Hey, Elaine. Do you have anything that you want to get rid of? George is having a yard sale here this weekend.
ELAINE: Umm, I don't know. I think I have some bridesmaid dresses you can have. Oh, and I think I still have some books and stuff from college that I don't want anymore. A yard sale, eh? [turns to Jerry] How suburban.
JERRY: Yeah, there goes the neighborhood. I'm going to sell a table and chairs, and Kramer's going to sell his hot tub and some - accessories.
KRAMER: O.K. buddy, I gotta go. [pats Jerry on the shoulder] I'm off to test the system. Wish me luck. [kisses twenty dollar bill]
JERRY: Yeah, good luck with that.
Kramer exits.
ELAINE: Test the system?
JERRY: Yeah, Kramer's got this idea that Susan B Anthony dollars are going to be worth something someday. It's a long story.
ELAINE as an angry, disgruntled women's libber: Ugh, Susan B Anthony dollars. You know, Jerry, [accusatory] that's what's wrong with America. You pay lip service to women by putting one on a coin that nobody can use. Do you know how many of those dollars I've lost because I thought they were quarters!? Huh? Do you!? [pokes Jerry in the chest with her index finger] It's just the typical male-driven world trying to keep us down. That's what it is.
JERRY partronizing: Yeah, well, we're really sorry about that. [instantly changes mood] Bridesmaids dresses, huh? How many weddings have you been in?
ELAINE immediately nonchalant as opposed to her earlier outrage: I dunno. 94? Oh, hey - what time is the yard sale?
Note: For the next few lines, every "I don't know" should be said in the same tone.
JERRY: I don't know - what time do yard sales start?
ELAINE: I don't know - I've got something else to do this weekend, so I'll just drop the boxes off in the morning before I go, ok? You're just going to have it in front of the building? Are you going to rope off an area?
JERRY: I don't know. [sternly] Hey, you're going to put price tags on everything aren't you?
ELAINE: I don't know. Do people put price tags on used college books and trashy novels?
JERRY: I don't know.
ELAINE: How much do you think I can get for those? The college books cost a fortune.
JERRY: I don't know. How much do you think they're worth now.
ELAINE: I don't know.
[PAUSE of silence]
JERRY: We're not cut out for suburban living are we?
ELAINE: Not in the least. Hey, you wanna get lunch? I'll spring for the cab.
JERRY: O.K.
Jerry grabs his coat and they prepare to leave.
JERRY: So where are you going this weekend?
ELAINE sassy: New boyfriend wants to take me to diner and a hot stone massage.
JERRY: Really. Hot stone massage. What is that really?
ELAINE back to prior "I don't know" rhetoric: I don't know.
JERRY: Ah. Perhaps we're not cut out for urban living either.
ELAINE breaking from prior "I don't know tone" mumbles: I dunno.
Both exit
KRAMER: You know what I just found out?
JERRY: Dollars don't cost two dollars?
KRAMER: No. I just found out that the postage machines at the post office give out Susan B Anthonys as change.
JERRY: So?
KRAMER: So?! So, Jerry?! So, haven't you been paying attention? Jerry, they're not making these anymore. These are collectibles. People just don't understand the value.
JERRY skeptical: Riiiight.
KRAMER: Hey, give me twenty dollars, buddy.
JERRY: Twenty dollars? What happened to your money?
KRAMER: It's all tied up. I need twenty bucks to buy a stamp.
JERRY: That's some stamp. Are you taking a cheap trip somewhere by mailing yourself?
KRAMER: No, Jerry. You see, I put a twenty dollar bill into the postage machine and buy one stamp. Then, the change comes in Susan B Anthony dollars.
Outer door buzzes. Jerry just stares at Kramer as if he's crazy.
JERRY at intercom: Yeah?
ELAINE: Me.
JERRY: C'mon up.
Jerry buzzes Elaine in and opens his front door.
JERRY: Alright Jerome. When do you think these dollars are going to be worth anything more than a dollar?
KRAMER: Oh, they're going to be priceless, Jerry. I'm going to corner the market in Susan B's. Didn't you see Goldfinger?
Jerry hands a twenty dollar bill to Kramer
JERRY: Alright, but if I find you buying any nuclear devices with this you're going to put an unnecessary strain on our relationship.
Elaine enters.
ELAINE: Hey.
JERRY: Hey.
KRAMER: Hey. Hey, Elaine. Do you have anything that you want to get rid of? George is having a yard sale here this weekend.
ELAINE: Umm, I don't know. I think I have some bridesmaid dresses you can have. Oh, and I think I still have some books and stuff from college that I don't want anymore. A yard sale, eh? [turns to Jerry] How suburban.
JERRY: Yeah, there goes the neighborhood. I'm going to sell a table and chairs, and Kramer's going to sell his hot tub and some - accessories.
KRAMER: O.K. buddy, I gotta go. [pats Jerry on the shoulder] I'm off to test the system. Wish me luck. [kisses twenty dollar bill]
JERRY: Yeah, good luck with that.
Kramer exits.
ELAINE: Test the system?
JERRY: Yeah, Kramer's got this idea that Susan B Anthony dollars are going to be worth something someday. It's a long story.
ELAINE as an angry, disgruntled women's libber: Ugh, Susan B Anthony dollars. You know, Jerry, [accusatory] that's what's wrong with America. You pay lip service to women by putting one on a coin that nobody can use. Do you know how many of those dollars I've lost because I thought they were quarters!? Huh? Do you!? [pokes Jerry in the chest with her index finger] It's just the typical male-driven world trying to keep us down. That's what it is.
JERRY partronizing: Yeah, well, we're really sorry about that. [instantly changes mood] Bridesmaids dresses, huh? How many weddings have you been in?
ELAINE immediately nonchalant as opposed to her earlier outrage: I dunno. 94? Oh, hey - what time is the yard sale?
Note: For the next few lines, every "I don't know" should be said in the same tone.
JERRY: I don't know - what time do yard sales start?
ELAINE: I don't know - I've got something else to do this weekend, so I'll just drop the boxes off in the morning before I go, ok? You're just going to have it in front of the building? Are you going to rope off an area?
JERRY: I don't know. [sternly] Hey, you're going to put price tags on everything aren't you?
ELAINE: I don't know. Do people put price tags on used college books and trashy novels?
JERRY: I don't know.
ELAINE: How much do you think I can get for those? The college books cost a fortune.
JERRY: I don't know. How much do you think they're worth now.
ELAINE: I don't know.
[PAUSE of silence]
JERRY: We're not cut out for suburban living are we?
ELAINE: Not in the least. Hey, you wanna get lunch? I'll spring for the cab.
JERRY: O.K.
Jerry grabs his coat and they prepare to leave.
JERRY: So where are you going this weekend?
ELAINE sassy: New boyfriend wants to take me to diner and a hot stone massage.
JERRY: Really. Hot stone massage. What is that really?
ELAINE back to prior "I don't know" rhetoric: I don't know.
JERRY: Ah. Perhaps we're not cut out for urban living either.
ELAINE breaking from prior "I don't know tone" mumbles: I dunno.
Both exit
