Friday, December 28, 2007
I'm not who I was - 2002 - 2007 in review
New Years resolutions are a sort of personal mission statement of what you hope to accomplish in the next 365 days. "I solomly swear that I'm going to [fill in the blank]". Be it 'read the Bible cover to cover', or 'loose 5, 10, 15 pounds', or 'remodel the kitchen' or whatever. That's great, but what really matters are results, right? Each year, I take a little time to reflect on my life. Where was I a year ago versus where I am today? Who was I five years ago versus who I am today? It's kind of a reverse New Years resolution that works better for me. YMMV.
The reality of who I was just one short year ago (and especially 5 years ago) is a testimony of how much I've grown. But "Grown" isn't the exact word that I'm looking for. It's more like I've given over to becoming the man God wants me to be without holding back anything - finally and totally. I've never doubted my salvation since getting saved, but the fruit that I've seen this year far outweighs that of past years. Sorry if that sounds boastful. For the first time though, I not only feel like I'm on the right path, but I can point to the Bible for the milestones and landmarks that tell me so. I've not arrived in perfection by any stretch of the imagination, but I know I'm on the right path now. I've stopped reading the Bible the way I wanted to read it and getting out of it what I wanted to get out of it. I'm taking the Bible as a whole for what it is without interpreting for today's world, or altering any part to make my story more palatable or in lieu of any part or by adding anything that it doesn't say. If it says I'm a sinner, then I'm a sinner. If it says that grace through faith is the only way to salvation, then it's the only way. If it says that the pathway is narrow, then I need to learn to walk a tightrope. On the other hand, if it doesn't say that Jesus had x-ray vision and flew around in a red cape, then I don't state that he definitely did (but He reserves the right). That seems like a far fetched attribute for Jesus, but think about what isn't in the Bible that people assert is true. This isn't legalism. This isn't works. This isn't piety. This is simple obedience. There's an ocean of difference, and I see it now. The Bible has not become just more important. It's become all important - to the exclusion of all else. The best compliment I've gotten this year was, "You're letting that book tell you how to live." Amen!
There was a fair bit of redundancy in that last paragraph, but I wanted to be clear that I'm taking the Bible more seriously. Read Matt 18:9 "And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire." Does Jesus really mean this or what He just joking around? Most people (an overwhelming majority of people) would say it's hyperbole, but this is exactly how strongly Jesus is preaching against sin, and that's how serious I should treat sin. Sin separates us from God, and despite what you've heard, it's not about us. It's about Him. God doesn't run from us when we sin, we run from Him. Relationships become strained when you run away from ones you're supposed to be close to. This year, I gave serious consideration to the relationship that means the most to me. In the last days, many will say, "Lord, Lord", but He will respond "depart from me, I knew you not." That verse gave me cause to think about how much I really knew Him and how much He really knew me.
Recently, I was trying to form this feeling into words. Then, it was spelled out for me over the radio. Unfortunately, I don't know who said it, otherwise I would attribute accordingly. It goes something like this. Imagine that I get into my car and drive all the way to the White House. As I pull up to the front gate, a security guard with a clipboard in his hand would poke his head into my car to ask who I am. If I were to say, "It's o.k., I know the president", do you think he would let me in?
Now, imagine that I pull up to the front gate of the White House and the president walks out and says to the guard, "It's o.k., I know him." Do you think the guard would let me in then? At its heart, it's a matter of who knows whom. When I get to heaven, am I going to say, "I know Him" or is He going to say, "I know him"? Both are important, but Him knowing me is far more important than me knowing Him. One way relationships are called fans or admirers or stalkers, but not friends. Not family.
There are relationships and there are relationships. This was a challenging year for relationships. I discovered that people that I've trusted, people that I've loved, people I'd die for, people I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with turned out not to be the people I thought they were. But this isn't about them. It's supposed to be a review of my life. God has been building me in the Bible, and as a result, I have seen myself pushing away from some people. I have also seen myself growing closer to others though.
There is the all important relationship though. A year ago, my relationship with God was strained. A year ago, I was ignoring parts of the Bible that I didn't want to read, or I was interpreting them to suit my needs. A year ago, there were important parts of the Bible that I had not recalled, considered or remembered that could have helped me with some important decisions. That was laziness and ignorance. A year ago, you couldn't tell me apart from the World in some areas. I had a stirring inside me to be different, but I was trying my best not to listen to it. Or worse, I had convinced myself that I had. I'm very relieved and thankful that I'm not that man any longer.
That brings me to where I was five years ago. 5 years ago, I was being brought into a divorce that I didn't understand and didn't want. I tried to find out what was going on, but the answers didn't come. I tried to get us into marriage counseling, but she didn't want to be the bad guy. Nobody marries with the intention of getting a divorce. But there are also those who marry but don't know if they can go the distance. It's better if these people don't marry in the first place. A few years ago (more than 1, less than 5), I felt God pressing me to be the man she thought she married. It became a mantra for me. God *needed* me to be the man she thought she married. I set out to be a better man, because up until March of this year, my divorce was all my fault, and I needed to do everything in my power to fix what I had broken. O.K. another analogy. Imagine that you've been a partner in a small business for 5 years. There are a few bumps, but overall, you're think you're doing well, and you like your job. One day, you come to work and your partner has dissolved the company and said that you can't stay. You ask why, but the answers don't come. Your partner was always the level-headed one, so whose fault was it?
I had spent 5 years blaming myself for the failure. With no answers coming from her and plenty of self inflicted guilt, it was easy to take the whole weight onto my shoulders. After about 2 years of self-destruction, God started to get ahold of me. I vowed to be the man she thought she married, and I started on a long path of doing it 'under my own strength'. That was a mistake, and I see now that God had something completely different in mind. My will was not His even though I was following His instructions. I read what the Bible had to say about divorce. For me, the Bible was clear [and still is] about how divorced Christians must live if they are to call themselves Christians at all - Period. End of argument. The trouble was that although I was running a good race, it was me that had drawn the finish line. God had me in a completely different race. Here's where I was misguided. In my studies, I started seeing a common theme. "Reconciliation". There was no way around it. The right thing to do was reconciliation, or so I thought. My olive branch was dismissed and ultimately rejected though. When I finally realized that reconciliation was impossible because she had closed the door, I was finally able to give into God's will under His strength. I remember giving it all over to God and saying, "This is the easiest decision ever." Looking back, I see that God didn't want me to be the man she thought she married at all. He wanted me to be the man He wanted me to be for Him. My puny human eyes and hands were attempting to do something good, but God doesn't want me to do things that are merely good. He doesn't even expect me to stop at doing great things. He has much loftier goals.
I can't express the relief and the lightness I feel now. I have won by giving up. But as much as I've changed, I seek much more. I seek a sort of reckless abandon for Christ's sake. I don't know what His will for my life is yet, but I'm confident - no - I'm assured that if remain in Him, He will reveal it to me eventually. I don't know what 2008 will hold for me, but I know that He will get me through it. I dust myself off from 2007 and enter 2008 with a significant amount of unfinished business and unanswered questions. Questions that can only be answered by God and one other person, but I continue on toward the prize. I've left these things at the alter, and given them over to God. What would I do with them anyway? I already have a nice set of luggage.
The reality of who I was just one short year ago (and especially 5 years ago) is a testimony of how much I've grown. But "Grown" isn't the exact word that I'm looking for. It's more like I've given over to becoming the man God wants me to be without holding back anything - finally and totally. I've never doubted my salvation since getting saved, but the fruit that I've seen this year far outweighs that of past years. Sorry if that sounds boastful. For the first time though, I not only feel like I'm on the right path, but I can point to the Bible for the milestones and landmarks that tell me so. I've not arrived in perfection by any stretch of the imagination, but I know I'm on the right path now. I've stopped reading the Bible the way I wanted to read it and getting out of it what I wanted to get out of it. I'm taking the Bible as a whole for what it is without interpreting for today's world, or altering any part to make my story more palatable or in lieu of any part or by adding anything that it doesn't say. If it says I'm a sinner, then I'm a sinner. If it says that grace through faith is the only way to salvation, then it's the only way. If it says that the pathway is narrow, then I need to learn to walk a tightrope. On the other hand, if it doesn't say that Jesus had x-ray vision and flew around in a red cape, then I don't state that he definitely did (but He reserves the right). That seems like a far fetched attribute for Jesus, but think about what isn't in the Bible that people assert is true. This isn't legalism. This isn't works. This isn't piety. This is simple obedience. There's an ocean of difference, and I see it now. The Bible has not become just more important. It's become all important - to the exclusion of all else. The best compliment I've gotten this year was, "You're letting that book tell you how to live." Amen!
There was a fair bit of redundancy in that last paragraph, but I wanted to be clear that I'm taking the Bible more seriously. Read Matt 18:9 "And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire." Does Jesus really mean this or what He just joking around? Most people (an overwhelming majority of people) would say it's hyperbole, but this is exactly how strongly Jesus is preaching against sin, and that's how serious I should treat sin. Sin separates us from God, and despite what you've heard, it's not about us. It's about Him. God doesn't run from us when we sin, we run from Him. Relationships become strained when you run away from ones you're supposed to be close to. This year, I gave serious consideration to the relationship that means the most to me. In the last days, many will say, "Lord, Lord", but He will respond "depart from me, I knew you not." That verse gave me cause to think about how much I really knew Him and how much He really knew me.
Recently, I was trying to form this feeling into words. Then, it was spelled out for me over the radio. Unfortunately, I don't know who said it, otherwise I would attribute accordingly. It goes something like this. Imagine that I get into my car and drive all the way to the White House. As I pull up to the front gate, a security guard with a clipboard in his hand would poke his head into my car to ask who I am. If I were to say, "It's o.k., I know the president", do you think he would let me in?
Now, imagine that I pull up to the front gate of the White House and the president walks out and says to the guard, "It's o.k., I know him." Do you think the guard would let me in then? At its heart, it's a matter of who knows whom. When I get to heaven, am I going to say, "I know Him" or is He going to say, "I know him"? Both are important, but Him knowing me is far more important than me knowing Him. One way relationships are called fans or admirers or stalkers, but not friends. Not family.
There are relationships and there are relationships. This was a challenging year for relationships. I discovered that people that I've trusted, people that I've loved, people I'd die for, people I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with turned out not to be the people I thought they were. But this isn't about them. It's supposed to be a review of my life. God has been building me in the Bible, and as a result, I have seen myself pushing away from some people. I have also seen myself growing closer to others though.
There is the all important relationship though. A year ago, my relationship with God was strained. A year ago, I was ignoring parts of the Bible that I didn't want to read, or I was interpreting them to suit my needs. A year ago, there were important parts of the Bible that I had not recalled, considered or remembered that could have helped me with some important decisions. That was laziness and ignorance. A year ago, you couldn't tell me apart from the World in some areas. I had a stirring inside me to be different, but I was trying my best not to listen to it. Or worse, I had convinced myself that I had. I'm very relieved and thankful that I'm not that man any longer.
That brings me to where I was five years ago. 5 years ago, I was being brought into a divorce that I didn't understand and didn't want. I tried to find out what was going on, but the answers didn't come. I tried to get us into marriage counseling, but she didn't want to be the bad guy. Nobody marries with the intention of getting a divorce. But there are also those who marry but don't know if they can go the distance. It's better if these people don't marry in the first place. A few years ago (more than 1, less than 5), I felt God pressing me to be the man she thought she married. It became a mantra for me. God *needed* me to be the man she thought she married. I set out to be a better man, because up until March of this year, my divorce was all my fault, and I needed to do everything in my power to fix what I had broken. O.K. another analogy. Imagine that you've been a partner in a small business for 5 years. There are a few bumps, but overall, you're think you're doing well, and you like your job. One day, you come to work and your partner has dissolved the company and said that you can't stay. You ask why, but the answers don't come. Your partner was always the level-headed one, so whose fault was it?
I had spent 5 years blaming myself for the failure. With no answers coming from her and plenty of self inflicted guilt, it was easy to take the whole weight onto my shoulders. After about 2 years of self-destruction, God started to get ahold of me. I vowed to be the man she thought she married, and I started on a long path of doing it 'under my own strength'. That was a mistake, and I see now that God had something completely different in mind. My will was not His even though I was following His instructions. I read what the Bible had to say about divorce. For me, the Bible was clear [and still is] about how divorced Christians must live if they are to call themselves Christians at all - Period. End of argument. The trouble was that although I was running a good race, it was me that had drawn the finish line. God had me in a completely different race. Here's where I was misguided. In my studies, I started seeing a common theme. "Reconciliation". There was no way around it. The right thing to do was reconciliation, or so I thought. My olive branch was dismissed and ultimately rejected though. When I finally realized that reconciliation was impossible because she had closed the door, I was finally able to give into God's will under His strength. I remember giving it all over to God and saying, "This is the easiest decision ever." Looking back, I see that God didn't want me to be the man she thought she married at all. He wanted me to be the man He wanted me to be for Him. My puny human eyes and hands were attempting to do something good, but God doesn't want me to do things that are merely good. He doesn't even expect me to stop at doing great things. He has much loftier goals.
I can't express the relief and the lightness I feel now. I have won by giving up. But as much as I've changed, I seek much more. I seek a sort of reckless abandon for Christ's sake. I don't know what His will for my life is yet, but I'm confident - no - I'm assured that if remain in Him, He will reveal it to me eventually. I don't know what 2008 will hold for me, but I know that He will get me through it. I dust myself off from 2007 and enter 2008 with a significant amount of unfinished business and unanswered questions. Questions that can only be answered by God and one other person, but I continue on toward the prize. I've left these things at the alter, and given them over to God. What would I do with them anyway? I already have a nice set of luggage.
Labels: 2007
