Thursday, December 23, 2004
Little blue haired traffic jammer
I was on my way to work this morning. Since most of America took today off, there was very little in the way of traffic. That was until I came to the end of a long line of cars. There was a slowdown for some reason. Nobody was going faster than 60. I could see up ahead that there were two cars side by side going the same speed. There was nobody in front of them except the few who were either lucky enough to get around them or the bold who took the carpool lane temporarily (a sin I don't commit or condone, but completely understand the argument).
So, I waited in line like everyone else. Eventually (1 1/2 mile before my exit), I got up to the front car. I looked over and saw a hat and two gloved hands reaching up for the steering wheel. Yup, it was a little old lady with blue hair traffic jammer.
I'd heard about them, but I always thought it was the stuff of legend. The legend says that every morning at around 7:30, a little old lady in each metropolitan area climbs up into her Buick Roadmaster and starts off on her journey to her sewing circle (bridge club, Canasta group, whatever). When she, this mythical beast, gets onto the freeway, she has an ingrained need to find the slowest car and pull up right beside it. The other slow car doesn't comprehend what is going on because of lack of sleep or "road zone hypnosis" or because of the sedative dart that the little old lady is able to shoot out of a special gland on her neck.
I got to the front of the line, and much to my surprise, didn't cut into her lane to "show her a lesson". I simply sped away in happiness - having freed myself from the evil snare of the "Little Blue Haired Traffic Jammer".
So, I waited in line like everyone else. Eventually (1 1/2 mile before my exit), I got up to the front car. I looked over and saw a hat and two gloved hands reaching up for the steering wheel. Yup, it was a little old lady with blue hair traffic jammer.
I'd heard about them, but I always thought it was the stuff of legend. The legend says that every morning at around 7:30, a little old lady in each metropolitan area climbs up into her Buick Roadmaster and starts off on her journey to her sewing circle (bridge club, Canasta group, whatever). When she, this mythical beast, gets onto the freeway, she has an ingrained need to find the slowest car and pull up right beside it. The other slow car doesn't comprehend what is going on because of lack of sleep or "road zone hypnosis" or because of the sedative dart that the little old lady is able to shoot out of a special gland on her neck.
I got to the front of the line, and much to my surprise, didn't cut into her lane to "show her a lesson". I simply sped away in happiness - having freed myself from the evil snare of the "Little Blue Haired Traffic Jammer".
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Ghost of Christmas Past
I was rummaging through my mail this week when I came across a return address I didn't recognize. "Hmm, Sacramento", I though. "Who do I know in Sacramento?" The envelope was thick - thicker than your average Christmas card. I slit open the top and made sure to preserve the address. I opened the card and began reading. There were various sized and shaped pieces of paper stuffed inside that immediately caught my attention and I stopped reading the card.
I didn't exactly recognize the papers, but I knew I penned them. These were notes and doodles I had done when I was about 18. The card came from an old friend, Lynn, who somehow got my address. I started reading the card... she was wondering how I was doing... her and her husband, Mark, just moved to Sacramento and she was unpacking boxes when she came across these pieces of history.
What a stroll down memory lane! I had memories of my life in Pacifica, but they had grayed and tarnished over the years. They had somehow grown sweet and nostalgic as I suppose memories should. These pages brought everything back to crystal clear.
Suddenly, thoughts and memories I had long stored away came back. Wow! Have I grown since then. Yet in some ways, I haven't grown a day. I'm certainly more mature than I was then. I've become more - um - law abiding. And just now, I've began thinking about my two big nemeses; selfishness and laziness. Have I beat those?
I think the Army cured my laziness more than anything else. There was a time when I was content with a dead end job, living from paycheck to paycheck. I've got more room to grow, but through my eyes, I've come a long way baby.
Now, selfishness. Am I any less selfish now than I was then? In my youth, I wouldn't necessarily care about the feelings of others. I passed it off as, "I don't care what THEY think of ME", but in reality it was more like, "I don't care what I think of THEM." I've certainly become more sensitive to the feelings of others since then, but there again - I've got more room to grow.
Ghosts of Christmas past. They cause you to reflect - and Lord knows I've been in reflection mode a lot lately. It's been good and healthy. Cleansing in a way. It's like being on a ship when the fog cuts back far enough so you can tell where you've been. It's one way of knowing where you're going.
Merry ChristmaChanuQuanzaKa
I didn't exactly recognize the papers, but I knew I penned them. These were notes and doodles I had done when I was about 18. The card came from an old friend, Lynn, who somehow got my address. I started reading the card... she was wondering how I was doing... her and her husband, Mark, just moved to Sacramento and she was unpacking boxes when she came across these pieces of history.
What a stroll down memory lane! I had memories of my life in Pacifica, but they had grayed and tarnished over the years. They had somehow grown sweet and nostalgic as I suppose memories should. These pages brought everything back to crystal clear.
Suddenly, thoughts and memories I had long stored away came back. Wow! Have I grown since then. Yet in some ways, I haven't grown a day. I'm certainly more mature than I was then. I've become more - um - law abiding. And just now, I've began thinking about my two big nemeses; selfishness and laziness. Have I beat those?
I think the Army cured my laziness more than anything else. There was a time when I was content with a dead end job, living from paycheck to paycheck. I've got more room to grow, but through my eyes, I've come a long way baby.
Now, selfishness. Am I any less selfish now than I was then? In my youth, I wouldn't necessarily care about the feelings of others. I passed it off as, "I don't care what THEY think of ME", but in reality it was more like, "I don't care what I think of THEM." I've certainly become more sensitive to the feelings of others since then, but there again - I've got more room to grow.
Ghosts of Christmas past. They cause you to reflect - and Lord knows I've been in reflection mode a lot lately. It's been good and healthy. Cleansing in a way. It's like being on a ship when the fog cuts back far enough so you can tell where you've been. It's one way of knowing where you're going.
Merry ChristmaChanuQuanzaKa
Thursday, December 16, 2004
10 / 90
Well, it's true. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you deal with it. Case in point. Once again (for the 4th time this year) I had a meeting with my manager and his manager above him. There were others there too this time. My manager's manager talked about how hard we'd all worked this year, and how we're going to have to really work hard next year.
They ended up giving most of the people there (as well as me) an award of some sort. My award? Well, from what I can tell, it's a weekend (hotel, meal and entertainment) for anywhere me and my spouse/partner want to go. The funny this is that I held this thing in my hand and wondered what the heck I was going to do with it. I was sort of disillusioned at the thought of such an award.
That's where the 10/90% rule comes into play. Most anyone else would be tickled to receive something like this. Well, at least I have 6 months to use it. Maybe I'll get to know someone well enough to bring them somewhere nice for a weekend.
Apart from that, it's a pretty worthless (or worth less) award. Maybe I'll just go out by myself and have a nice dinner.
They ended up giving most of the people there (as well as me) an award of some sort. My award? Well, from what I can tell, it's a weekend (hotel, meal and entertainment) for anywhere me and my spouse/partner want to go. The funny this is that I held this thing in my hand and wondered what the heck I was going to do with it. I was sort of disillusioned at the thought of such an award.
That's where the 10/90% rule comes into play. Most anyone else would be tickled to receive something like this. Well, at least I have 6 months to use it. Maybe I'll get to know someone well enough to bring them somewhere nice for a weekend.
Apart from that, it's a pretty worthless (or worth less) award. Maybe I'll just go out by myself and have a nice dinner.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
I don't want to complicate things...
... but I'm going to kiss you now. So, why start with this? I dunno. It just popped into my head. After dwelling on this statement I made in November of 1996 outside Trace's apartment, I started thinking about today's activities. There's really no connection - I was just free associating again.
We had our labwide holiday party. I got there late and a large horde of scientists had already desended on the cheese and cracker display. Honestly, they looked like vultures. It really helps that many of these extremely educated, anti-social PhDs have their necks coming out of the chest cavity. Sorry.
I grabbed what food I thought I could and still pull back a limb and looked for a seat among "those like me". It's a comfort zone thing. I found the table that was filling up with people from my department and took the next available seat in the array.
I happened to look up, and who did I see? Yup, two of the women who, for one reason or another, I was/am supposed to ask out on dates. That completed the links. So, apparently they all know each other. Being the female of the species, I can't imagine that they don't talk. You know what I'm saying.
So, that basically kills any chances of me asking any of them out. Why? I'd feel like a science experiment being observed by a panel of these three. It's tough enough without having the additional pressure of knowing that they'll all get together and talk about every little thing to the smallest detail.
It's kinda like "Big" in Sex And The City. Not that I'm anything like Big, but if I went out with any of these girls, we (Big and I) would have the commonality of a small circle of "girlfriends" who would be discussing every detail of our relationship. I'm not very comfortable with that.
O.K. so maybe I'm blowing the whole thing out of proportion, and that would never happen. I guess I'm too risk adverse to date someone who is friends with people I was "supposed" to date. I'd feel like I was cheating on the others.
Is that big of me? Not "Big" the character, but 'big' the adjective. At any rate, one thing is for sure. I may date. I may even date one of these women. But I'll never stick my neck out as far as I once did. I'll never expose myself like that again.
One night after a particularly wonderful evening, Trace and I were outside her apartment. I had just driven her home after some sort of date, and we were saying our goodbyes. Being analytical by nature, I calculated the costs of exposing my soft white underbelly. I decided that even if it cost me everything, I needed to express my feelings. With every ounce of courage I had I said, "I don't want to complicate things, but I'm going to kiss you now."
Having said all that, I'd rather backspace over it, but I wrote it - so I must have thought it. Thems the rules, ya' know? Will I ever "stick my neck out" that far again? I dunno. Not right now anyway.
We had our labwide holiday party. I got there late and a large horde of scientists had already desended on the cheese and cracker display. Honestly, they looked like vultures. It really helps that many of these extremely educated, anti-social PhDs have their necks coming out of the chest cavity. Sorry.
I grabbed what food I thought I could and still pull back a limb and looked for a seat among "those like me". It's a comfort zone thing. I found the table that was filling up with people from my department and took the next available seat in the array.
I happened to look up, and who did I see? Yup, two of the women who, for one reason or another, I was/am supposed to ask out on dates. That completed the links. So, apparently they all know each other. Being the female of the species, I can't imagine that they don't talk. You know what I'm saying.
So, that basically kills any chances of me asking any of them out. Why? I'd feel like a science experiment being observed by a panel of these three. It's tough enough without having the additional pressure of knowing that they'll all get together and talk about every little thing to the smallest detail.
It's kinda like "Big" in Sex And The City. Not that I'm anything like Big, but if I went out with any of these girls, we (Big and I) would have the commonality of a small circle of "girlfriends" who would be discussing every detail of our relationship. I'm not very comfortable with that.
O.K. so maybe I'm blowing the whole thing out of proportion, and that would never happen. I guess I'm too risk adverse to date someone who is friends with people I was "supposed" to date. I'd feel like I was cheating on the others.
Is that big of me? Not "Big" the character, but 'big' the adjective. At any rate, one thing is for sure. I may date. I may even date one of these women. But I'll never stick my neck out as far as I once did. I'll never expose myself like that again.
One night after a particularly wonderful evening, Trace and I were outside her apartment. I had just driven her home after some sort of date, and we were saying our goodbyes. Being analytical by nature, I calculated the costs of exposing my soft white underbelly. I decided that even if it cost me everything, I needed to express my feelings. With every ounce of courage I had I said, "I don't want to complicate things, but I'm going to kiss you now."
Having said all that, I'd rather backspace over it, but I wrote it - so I must have thought it. Thems the rules, ya' know? Will I ever "stick my neck out" that far again? I dunno. Not right now anyway.
Vacationous Interuptous
[sigh] I had hoped to make it to Hawaii during Christmas break through one of those last minute travel web sites. Looks like that's not going to happen now. I may have to go back to my original plan of driving to 4-corners.
Yeah - sigh.
I have another alternative. Last minute vacations to Washington D.C. (although very cold this time of year) are still available. I'd like to spend a few days alone in the Smithsonian Museums. I could just stare at Dorothy's ruby slippers as long as I want.
Yeah - sigh.
I have another alternative. Last minute vacations to Washington D.C. (although very cold this time of year) are still available. I'd like to spend a few days alone in the Smithsonian Museums. I could just stare at Dorothy's ruby slippers as long as I want.
Monday, December 13, 2004
Rules of Fear
For those who don't know this part of me, I live by rules of fear. Fear is a great motivator, and tis fear that brought be safe thus far. I was just reading through my work emails which is littered with vacation notifications from everyone I work with. I decided to make a table of people who will be out of the office from 12/27 through the end of the year. As it turns out, 100% of my department and at least 80% of our partner department will be out. Am I the only person troubled by this?
I'd considered sticking around for the "just in case" stuff, but then I rationalized it away. I just sent my "out of office" email to the rest of my department. I wonder if anyone will likewise decide to put together a table of who will be out.
Signed,
Much Afraid
I'd considered sticking around for the "just in case" stuff, but then I rationalized it away. I just sent my "out of office" email to the rest of my department. I wonder if anyone will likewise decide to put together a table of who will be out.
Signed,
Much Afraid
Sunday, December 12, 2004
Children's Choir
In other news, I'm still going to the church that I feel the most fed which is a 50 mile round trip. Since the original pastor has moved on though, I feel less fed by the humor and milk sermons that I've seen lately. [sigh]
Anyway, this morning we were treated by about 50 small children all walking in formation up to the stage where they attempted to stand still under the direction of the poor woman whose job it is to herd this flock. There they all were. Children anywhere from 3 years old to maybe 12 or 13. The associate pastor was introducing them as they squimed and waved to their Moms and Dads in the audience. Some of them were looking at the ceiling or the floor or whatever moth caught their eye.
Pastor finished his spiel and the crackling voice 50 strong broke out. "Silent night - holy night." I lost it. I just completely lost it. A lump formed in my throat and my eyes began to water up. I was quickly losing my composure, but I'm not sure if anyone noticed. There was just something about the innocence and willingness of those little voices to sing their hearts out for their Moms and Dads who sat silently in the glow of their camcorders that struck me as wonderful.
Anyway, it was nice to see normal families doing what normal families do. Sure, they could be dysfunctional in one way or another, but this morning, they were all in a Norman Rockwell picture.
Anyway, this morning we were treated by about 50 small children all walking in formation up to the stage where they attempted to stand still under the direction of the poor woman whose job it is to herd this flock. There they all were. Children anywhere from 3 years old to maybe 12 or 13. The associate pastor was introducing them as they squimed and waved to their Moms and Dads in the audience. Some of them were looking at the ceiling or the floor or whatever moth caught their eye.
Pastor finished his spiel and the crackling voice 50 strong broke out. "Silent night - holy night." I lost it. I just completely lost it. A lump formed in my throat and my eyes began to water up. I was quickly losing my composure, but I'm not sure if anyone noticed. There was just something about the innocence and willingness of those little voices to sing their hearts out for their Moms and Dads who sat silently in the glow of their camcorders that struck me as wonderful.
Anyway, it was nice to see normal families doing what normal families do. Sure, they could be dysfunctional in one way or another, but this morning, they were all in a Norman Rockwell picture.
What's your score?
So since getting divorced, I basically felt the need to cancel all my credit cards. I had no idea that in the process, I could ruin my credit. Well, I think that's what happened. I sent away for a new credit card, and much to my surprise - I was declined. Bummer,eh?
I tell ya' divorce screws you in so many ways, I can't even count 'em.
I tell ya' divorce screws you in so many ways, I can't even count 'em.
Friday, December 10, 2004
Merry Christmas Scrooge
Well, I feel horrible. I feel like Scrooge. I'm in an extremely uncomfortable situation right now. In short, I think one of my customers is going to get fired because he doesn't understand the new system I put in place for him. And it's Christmas time. Who wants to get fired during Christmas? Not me! [Actually, I don't want to get fired ever].
I rolled out this new fangled product to some people in New York, and they mostly loved it. It has more power than their old system and it did everything using a process model of how they wanted to do their work. I mean they used to system to do their work, not the other way around where some systems have to do things a certain way, so you have to alter how you do things.
Anyway, I got a cash award for my work, and I thought everything was going smoothly. Then came the auditors. I don't think things went very well. I got a lot of calls and I found myself running a lot of reports. In the end, I was able to show a 100% audit trail for every aspect of the system. With that, the finger pointing was then directed toward my customer. Apparently, before he really got the hang of it, he made some mistakes that he just couldn't recover from.
I don't know if he tried to hide them, or if he just didn't know the mistakes were there, but the auditors found discrepencies and that's all they were looking for. I feel bad because he failed while using software that I wrote. I had hoped that I could write this complicated inventory management system that would be as easy to use as a toaster, but I guess I didn't. And now he has to pay the price.
Well, I'll try to come with some more reports to help him along. [sigh]
I rolled out this new fangled product to some people in New York, and they mostly loved it. It has more power than their old system and it did everything using a process model of how they wanted to do their work. I mean they used to system to do their work, not the other way around where some systems have to do things a certain way, so you have to alter how you do things.
Anyway, I got a cash award for my work, and I thought everything was going smoothly. Then came the auditors. I don't think things went very well. I got a lot of calls and I found myself running a lot of reports. In the end, I was able to show a 100% audit trail for every aspect of the system. With that, the finger pointing was then directed toward my customer. Apparently, before he really got the hang of it, he made some mistakes that he just couldn't recover from.
I don't know if he tried to hide them, or if he just didn't know the mistakes were there, but the auditors found discrepencies and that's all they were looking for. I feel bad because he failed while using software that I wrote. I had hoped that I could write this complicated inventory management system that would be as easy to use as a toaster, but I guess I didn't. And now he has to pay the price.
Well, I'll try to come with some more reports to help him along. [sigh]
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Verbal Sparring
It's funny how sometimes the biggest blockage to our being at peace with the world is our own selves. I see a little bit of me in my nephew when I was his age. For example, last weekend we were headed to the hospital to visit Laura, but didn't know if she had been released yet. Rather than look up the hospital's phone number in the phonebook (or internet), Josh decides to take the most costly route of calling 411. From the one side of the conversation I could hear, it sounded like an automatic voice recognition system has been put in place in order to save the cost of having operators standing by. I imagine the 'conversation' went something like this:
"Hello, this is the directory service. Please speak the name of the city which you are looking for", said the prerecorded voice.
"I'm looking for South San Francisco", Josh responds.
"Sorry, I couldn't understand that. Please speak the name of the city you are looking for. For example: San Francisco."
"I'm looking for South San Francisco", he replys.
"Sorry, I'm still not understanding you. Please hold for the next available attendant."
[pause for several seconds]
Operator: "Hi, what city?"
Josh: "I'm looking for South San Francisco." [unyielding in his effort to add 'I'm looking for' to his request.
[click] - the call was transferred to the same automated voice response system.
Automated voice: "That number is 555-1212. Would you like me to connect you for an additional $2? Please respond by saying 'yes' or 'no'."
Josh: "Um, no thank you, but what was the number again?
Automated voice: "I'm sorry, I didn't understand that. Please reply 'yes' or 'no'."
Alas, poor Josh. It took me years to figure out that the construct will not bend to my strong will. It's more a matter of getting the construct to cooperate with my will. He'd better get it eventually. C.O.P.s is filled with strong willed people attempting to control a situation when in "reality" they've given up all control with anger.
"Hello, this is the directory service. Please speak the name of the city which you are looking for", said the prerecorded voice.
"I'm looking for South San Francisco", Josh responds.
"Sorry, I couldn't understand that. Please speak the name of the city you are looking for. For example: San Francisco."
"I'm looking for South San Francisco", he replys.
"Sorry, I'm still not understanding you. Please hold for the next available attendant."
[pause for several seconds]
Operator: "Hi, what city?"
Josh: "I'm looking for South San Francisco." [unyielding in his effort to add 'I'm looking for' to his request.
[click] - the call was transferred to the same automated voice response system.
Automated voice: "That number is 555-1212. Would you like me to connect you for an additional $2? Please respond by saying 'yes' or 'no'."
Josh: "Um, no thank you, but what was the number again?
Automated voice: "I'm sorry, I didn't understand that. Please reply 'yes' or 'no'."
Alas, poor Josh. It took me years to figure out that the construct will not bend to my strong will. It's more a matter of getting the construct to cooperate with my will. He'd better get it eventually. C.O.P.s is filled with strong willed people attempting to control a situation when in "reality" they've given up all control with anger.
Monday, December 06, 2004
Prognosis - road trip
I have five friends. In order of appearance, Michele, Bob, Tara, Laura and Jonathan. Together, we are the core of "the kool care group", a bible study from the early 90's. Bob & Michele got married (I was their best man), but later divorced. Michele got breast cancer a few years ago while she was in her early 30's. Bob & Tara (brother and sister) lost both their parents in the space of a year. All in all, there has been some drama in our little circle.
Last week I heard that Laura was in the hospital. Information trickled in and I gathered that she has a pretty aggressive cancer in her liver, kidneys and ovaries, but was going to be released on Saturday after a 5 day stay for tests and scans. It sounded serious - very serious. In one respect, I wasn't ready for who I was about to see in the hospital bed. Laura has always been an easy laugher and a bit "jolly" around the mid-section if you get my drift, and always uniquely "LuLu". When I peeked around the hospital room door, I saw what I can only describe as a shadow of Laura. She was so thin. Then, she smiled and spoke. "Ah, there's the Laura we all know and love", I thought. Only her outer shell had changed. I didn't get to visit nearly as long as I had hoped because they were releasing her, so she could rest at home.
I'm certainly no doctor, but it looks serious to me. Very serious. Don't get me wrong though - I believe in hope and miracles and God can do anything He wants, but the image I saw in the hospital bed forced me to consider the possibility that we may not have Laura with us for too much longer. If there is hope, then let's hope and pray for God's hand in her life. But if God is showing her the finish line, then finish strong Laura! Celebrate your life for what you've been given.
It makes you think about your own life and what if it were you in the bed surrounded by loved ones. Hypothetically, what if you were told you had 6 months to live? I'm not jumping to any conclusions with Laura, but that's what went through my head afterwards. Would I scramble around trying to postpone the inevitable? Would I use the time to throw "Bon Voyage" parties? Would I spend it in quiet solitude? Would I smile at the prospect of going home? Would I cry and shake my fist at the ceiling? Would I be scared? Would I bother going to work to wrap things up and train a replacement? One thing I think I'd do, even if it turned out that I could postpone it indefinitely. I'd make a road trip and see the things I really want to see.
"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition." I suspect I'd use the time to get right with God and my fellow man. Not that I need a profound amount of damage control, but there's some cleansing I otherwise put off. I'd like to set up an annuity, but I keep thinking there's time. I'd do some confession too. I'd tell my deep dark secret that haunts me to those who need to hear it.
Why bother? Just so people knew what made me tick. Why not do it now? Easy, fear and shame. Even now all these years later - fear and shame. There's also the matter of those left behind who would have to deal with the fallout.
One thing I wouldn't do is forgive anyone that I haven't already forgiven. The reason is that there shouldn't be anyone out there who still needs my forgiveness. If you think you do - consider yourself forgiven. I wouldn't seek forgiveness from anyone either. I suspect I'd get that, "oh just because you're dying and you don't feel forgiven, you need to me to say it again?" speech. Save it.
Last week I heard that Laura was in the hospital. Information trickled in and I gathered that she has a pretty aggressive cancer in her liver, kidneys and ovaries, but was going to be released on Saturday after a 5 day stay for tests and scans. It sounded serious - very serious. In one respect, I wasn't ready for who I was about to see in the hospital bed. Laura has always been an easy laugher and a bit "jolly" around the mid-section if you get my drift, and always uniquely "LuLu". When I peeked around the hospital room door, I saw what I can only describe as a shadow of Laura. She was so thin. Then, she smiled and spoke. "Ah, there's the Laura we all know and love", I thought. Only her outer shell had changed. I didn't get to visit nearly as long as I had hoped because they were releasing her, so she could rest at home.
I'm certainly no doctor, but it looks serious to me. Very serious. Don't get me wrong though - I believe in hope and miracles and God can do anything He wants, but the image I saw in the hospital bed forced me to consider the possibility that we may not have Laura with us for too much longer. If there is hope, then let's hope and pray for God's hand in her life. But if God is showing her the finish line, then finish strong Laura! Celebrate your life for what you've been given.
It makes you think about your own life and what if it were you in the bed surrounded by loved ones. Hypothetically, what if you were told you had 6 months to live? I'm not jumping to any conclusions with Laura, but that's what went through my head afterwards. Would I scramble around trying to postpone the inevitable? Would I use the time to throw "Bon Voyage" parties? Would I spend it in quiet solitude? Would I smile at the prospect of going home? Would I cry and shake my fist at the ceiling? Would I be scared? Would I bother going to work to wrap things up and train a replacement? One thing I think I'd do, even if it turned out that I could postpone it indefinitely. I'd make a road trip and see the things I really want to see.
"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition." I suspect I'd use the time to get right with God and my fellow man. Not that I need a profound amount of damage control, but there's some cleansing I otherwise put off. I'd like to set up an annuity, but I keep thinking there's time. I'd do some confession too. I'd tell my deep dark secret that haunts me to those who need to hear it.
Why bother? Just so people knew what made me tick. Why not do it now? Easy, fear and shame. Even now all these years later - fear and shame. There's also the matter of those left behind who would have to deal with the fallout.
One thing I wouldn't do is forgive anyone that I haven't already forgiven. The reason is that there shouldn't be anyone out there who still needs my forgiveness. If you think you do - consider yourself forgiven. I wouldn't seek forgiveness from anyone either. I suspect I'd get that, "oh just because you're dying and you don't feel forgiven, you need to me to say it again?" speech. Save it.
Friday, December 03, 2004
The Big "C"
Well, two women I know very well will have had cancer in their 30's. Considering the number of women I know this number is astronomically high. I'm going to take a road trip tomorrow and visit her. I hope she looks well. I'm not sure what my reaction will be. It's sounds much more serious than the breast cancer Michele had, but that's all spin and rumor control at this point. I'll know more tomorrow.
I suppose I should get my prostate checked.
I suppose I should get my prostate checked.
Vindicated
I've been listening to a lot of Dashboard Confessional lately. It hasn't really been by choice. Launch just keeps putting more and more Dashboard on my playlist, so I listen. Sad, sappy music that makes you dwell on your regrets. They're all pretty much about relationships and breaking up. It's country music without the twang and banjos. I just heard one that had some interesting lyrics if you've recently broken up, or if you're going through a down patch in your life (gee, what an upbeat blog, eh?)
Well, I'm not all sad and sappy, but I am feeling reflective. My solitude gives me plenty of time to think. It's not new that I've past the issue of regret and denial and whatever the other steps of loss are, and I've come to terms with my situation (divorce).
In a manner of speaking, I've stopped sitting by the phone, but I've left the answering machine on just in case. If I have something I want to share with her, I'll email her, but I won't expect her to initiate any emails. That sounds a bit one sided, but that's the way it has been and the way it is now. I've initated a vast majority of any communications between us. I won't (can't) expect her to initiate any communications, so I can only conclude that to a very large extent - she's done with me. With no hope of resolution beyond parting as friends. I guess I'll never be offered the opportunity of restitution or recommittal, and so be it. The fact that I had offered (however indirectly) has been made. If she has chosen to not accept the effort and offer, it's her choice.
One thing's for sure. I'll never make that mistake again. Mostly because I'm not the same person I was and therefore can't make that mistake. But also because I've learned, grown since then. Right now is a time of growth in some good ways, but in some not good ways too. I'm growing in my ability to understand the consequences of some of my actions, but I'm also growing apart from letting myself get so close to anyone ever again. "Mother, did it need to be so high?"
Vindicated - Dashboard Confessional
Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine ahead has caught my eye
And roped me in so mesmerizing
It's so hypnotizing
I am captivated
I am
Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself
So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so
Isolated so
Motivated I am
Certain now that I am
Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself
So tired of the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment for forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim
Against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself
My hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Well, I'm not all sad and sappy, but I am feeling reflective. My solitude gives me plenty of time to think. It's not new that I've past the issue of regret and denial and whatever the other steps of loss are, and I've come to terms with my situation (divorce).
In a manner of speaking, I've stopped sitting by the phone, but I've left the answering machine on just in case. If I have something I want to share with her, I'll email her, but I won't expect her to initiate any emails. That sounds a bit one sided, but that's the way it has been and the way it is now. I've initated a vast majority of any communications between us. I won't (can't) expect her to initiate any communications, so I can only conclude that to a very large extent - she's done with me. With no hope of resolution beyond parting as friends. I guess I'll never be offered the opportunity of restitution or recommittal, and so be it. The fact that I had offered (however indirectly) has been made. If she has chosen to not accept the effort and offer, it's her choice.
One thing's for sure. I'll never make that mistake again. Mostly because I'm not the same person I was and therefore can't make that mistake. But also because I've learned, grown since then. Right now is a time of growth in some good ways, but in some not good ways too. I'm growing in my ability to understand the consequences of some of my actions, but I'm also growing apart from letting myself get so close to anyone ever again. "Mother, did it need to be so high?"
Vindicated - Dashboard Confessional
Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine ahead has caught my eye
And roped me in so mesmerizing
It's so hypnotizing
I am captivated
I am
Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself
So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so
Isolated so
Motivated I am
Certain now that I am
Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself
So tired of the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment for forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim
Against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself
My hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Thursday, December 02, 2004
Sometimes
Sometimes life is just the empty string of weeks that you spend between the happy moments. Ever wonder why you don't have to take pictures of the sad times? As Harry said, it's "the season of charity and forgiveness...it's also the season of groveling." I have no groveling left. I always get this way in December. Always have. Coming to the bookstore helps, but one wonders what would really help. A good shot of tequila and a beer chaser, that's what. Well, maybe.
A user found a bug in my code after it had been working so well for most of November. I have an 8 o'clock meeting with a team of them tomorrow. I have no idea what they're going to say. I hope to be fully aware of what's going on during the telecon.
A user found a bug in my code after it had been working so well for most of November. I have an 8 o'clock meeting with a team of them tomorrow. I have no idea what they're going to say. I hope to be fully aware of what's going on during the telecon.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
12,313
Well, I wrote 12,313 words in November. Many more than I thought I would. I truly thought that I'd either write a few paragraphs and grow bored with the process or I'd get about 5,000 words of incoherent drivel - and then quit in frustration. I have a much higher appreciation for anyone who can write a 50K novel now.
Mostly though, I learned, which is ALWAYS a good thing. I learned about how I interact in a social setting of people nothing like me. I learned that I'm really not that smart in many more areas than I care to list. I learned that more than 3 cups of coffee after 8 o'clock in the evening will quickly rid your fingers of their nails (yup, I'm starting over there).
I met some interesting people along the way, and speaking of 'along the way' - I've given my personal journey attributes that I can identify in my everyday life. That is, I'm not simply on this mystical journey that everyone else is on. I have tools - a compass, a map, and most importantly, I have light. Granted that these are all rough tools now, and they will need to be honed and sharpened, but they're there.
I may not always follow the map to guidde me through the shortest route between points A and B, but at least I'm getting a better sense of where I *should* be headed. That puts a tremendous amount of responsibility on my shoulders now. Pleading ignorance is not an option any longer. Not in a "born again" way, more like a "ah ha! Now I get it." way. I've been saved for over 10 years now, but didn't know what to do with it.
It's wierd how someone can grow in so many different directions at once. And yet, it's a lot like learning anything. The more I know, the more I realize I don't know. It's an endless corridor full doors of different sizes and shapes for me to open and negotiate. At my leisure if I can. At gunpoint if I must, but there will always be another door to open in my growth.
Too sentimental? Alright. How 'bout, 'Arrr, I'm a pirate!'
Mostly though, I learned, which is ALWAYS a good thing. I learned about how I interact in a social setting of people nothing like me. I learned that I'm really not that smart in many more areas than I care to list. I learned that more than 3 cups of coffee after 8 o'clock in the evening will quickly rid your fingers of their nails (yup, I'm starting over there).
I met some interesting people along the way, and speaking of 'along the way' - I've given my personal journey attributes that I can identify in my everyday life. That is, I'm not simply on this mystical journey that everyone else is on. I have tools - a compass, a map, and most importantly, I have light. Granted that these are all rough tools now, and they will need to be honed and sharpened, but they're there.
I may not always follow the map to guidde me through the shortest route between points A and B, but at least I'm getting a better sense of where I *should* be headed. That puts a tremendous amount of responsibility on my shoulders now. Pleading ignorance is not an option any longer. Not in a "born again" way, more like a "ah ha! Now I get it." way. I've been saved for over 10 years now, but didn't know what to do with it.
It's wierd how someone can grow in so many different directions at once. And yet, it's a lot like learning anything. The more I know, the more I realize I don't know. It's an endless corridor full doors of different sizes and shapes for me to open and negotiate. At my leisure if I can. At gunpoint if I must, but there will always be another door to open in my growth.
Too sentimental? Alright. How 'bout, 'Arrr, I'm a pirate!'
