Plan "B"

Count it all joy. James 1. I get it. I really get it. My world is crumbling around me, and even tonight I got another bombshell, but I'm fine. I'm glued to my Bible, and I'm consuming it like a starved man. Tonight, I had to sit in back of church because I cried on the way down, and I thought I would fall apart during service. Afterwards, I asked pastor if I could ask him a few questions. We're meeting tomorrow.

I don't know who reads this. Perhaps only one or two people. If you happen to find this blog at random or if you just found this entry after browsing through the last few weeks/months of entries, please pray for me and for the strength I need to get through these trials. God doesn't live in time - I don't see why our prayers should have to either.

Round Two - ding! ding! I got an email last night on another subject, and it absolutely riped my heart out. I cried and cried all night, and haven't been to sleep yet. So, I was pretty grogy for my 8:30 meeting this morning. This one I'll share with appologies to the other party. I've been working on my heart for quite a while now, trying to deal with my divorce - and what happens next. I've read dozens of passages from the Bible, spent countless hours studying and even started making a goofy flowchart - a sort of Idiot's guide through the pathways, obstacles and barriers to being single, marriage, divorce and remarriage. It's on my desk right now in fact. It follows Genesis, through Matt 5 and basically ends in 1 Cor 7.

I sought the advise of Christian friends. I didn't speak to any pastors (yet), but I know of some who have actually excommunicated people for getting divorced. Much of the advise (as much as it was good to hear) I needed to reject, because I could not find uncompromised support in the Bible, and the Bible is my final authority.

The main difficulty was (for me) the choice of starting over - taking a new chance, or resolving to bear the courage of my conviction. I opted for the latter, although both could be valid. "At what point", I thought, "do I stop waking up every morning and recursively saying 'Well, I wasn't a Christian yesterday, but starting today, I will be.' ?" No. Because I know myself too well.

Once I figured out what I needed to do, I realized that I still needed to work on me as a person. I needed to take on some things. I needed to give some things up. I needed to read the Bible regularly and I needed to believe in my heart. Truly, deeply believe. "To know that I know that I know", if you will. I'm not where I want to be yet, but I'm also not where I was. I'm far from that person. People change.

A few months ago, I'd decided that all I needed was courage that would enable me to make the call. I can't count the number of letters I'd started and never sent. I can't tell you the number of times I checked and rechecked each word to make sure my motives were pure. That was paramount for me. I'd been so selfish in the past that I didn't want this to be another selfish act of getting my way. I have scraps of paper and directories of txt files all over with bits and pieces of how I feel, but nothing seemed to work. Nothing seemed to come close to what I needed to say or how I wanted to say it.

Finally, last week, I couldn't resist any longer. Ready or not, I needed to open a line of communication and start expressing my thoughts. I sent a quick opener. Just a few sentences to introduce myself and ask how she was.

The response came last night. She has remarried.

I know I have a heart, because it's broken. I know I've loved, because I've lost it.

I know I'm released from the marriage, but that doesn't make me single. It makes me divorced, and as a divorced person, remarriage would be adultery in my Bible. There is no such thing as annulment in my Bible. Is it pride that makes me refuse to start over - take another chance? Is it self pity that cry's "poor victim, boo hoo"? Is it something else not from God? No. I believe in my heart that my motives are pure, and this is God's love for me. If He didn't love me and I didn't love Him, I could do whatever I wanted and He would say it was o.k.. But He does love me, and he's disciplining me right now.

Yes, it hurts, but a good spanking should hurt. It should leave red marks so I'll have something to remind me that I was disobedient.

This would not have been my reaction a few years ago. A few years ago, I would have shaken my fist at the ceiling and cried, "Not fair!" A few years ago, I would have deviced a plan to get my own way. I've grown.

And as it turns out though, I have been given that second chance after all. I've been given a chance to live out my Christian beliefs as God leads me. I've been given a chance to have God really move in my life. I've been given a chance to have my life changed for the better and forever. I've been given a chance to be tested, and I believe my iron has passed. On this battlefront anyway. I still have an inbox of issues to deal with from other people. Wow, when it rains, it pours.

I believe my iron is being tested. A variety of events happened this weekend that I won't go into out of respect for other partys, but please still continue to pray for me. Prayer works, though. For example, my last entry about my neighbor resulted in several pickup trucks taking all their stuff away this weekend. One small victory in my pursuit of inner & outer peace.

Otherwise, I had a very uncomfortable weekend with other things that sprung up. I feel like I've been put into a fire and heated up. I feel like I've been laid upon an anvil and the first of many strikes from the hammer has produced much sparks, much noise and much pain.

But, I'm confident that I'll get through this and be a better man for it.

"Count it all joy.."

For the most part, I've gotten exactly what I wanted out of my condo. I was looking for the cheapest place I could find so I could start building equity while still living a lifestyle I had grown accustomed to (cruises, Caribbean, Europe, Hawaii, etc.).

But something that shouldn't bug me about my neighborhood does. It's when my neighbors show disrespect either to me or to the neighborhood or to themselves. Last night, my neighbor decided to have a kind of "Chest of drawers" party. They took 3 or 4 dressers and threw them off their balcony onto the street, along with various other pieces of garbage - err - I mean 'prized collectables'. They gathered up some of the larger pieces and put them near the dumpster under the sign that says "Do not dump furniture here" [non sic]. They took the few largest pieces and put them in their carport (lovely). The little pieces they just left in the street.

Then, they took a very large (say, 8' x 10') zebra patterned rug and hung it over the balcony - supposedly to dry in the rain that came down this morning in buckets.

To say that we are leading different lives would be an understatement. I really don't feel like I belong in this area. This attitude of disrespect is prevalent among many of my neighbors, but this one in particular seems to push my button for some reason.

This is the same neighbor that stored a washing machine in their carport for weeks before my complaints got them to remove it.

This is the same neighbor who has the bulk of the boom-car friends visiting at all hours of the night.

This is the same neighbor whose many many children have been destroying the greenery in the area by pulling, hitting, stomping, etc. it into submission.

This the same neighbor who makes me not want to live here. This is the neighbor who demands respect from everyone else, but is unwilling to give any.

What bugs me is not that they make the neighborhood trashy. It's not that they show no respect to anyone. It's not the many reasons I have to hate my neighbor. It bugs me that this is the neighbor who I am called to love, and that makes it tough for me.

I know that no matter how I approach this issue, I'll get, "mind your own business" thrown back in my face. But I think this is my business. They're decreasing the value of my property. They're taking money out of my pocket with every abandoned mattress - every car up on blocks.

At any rate - pray for me, eh?

I still get emails from monster.com for jobs in Dallas. I joined in 2001 when I moved there, and I've never cancelled it. If nothing else, it keeps me up to date on what skills are in demand and how the technology landscape has changed over the years since the dot-com bust.

When I first joined, people were looking for DBA-programmer-sysadmin-security-hardware-webenable professionals with 10 years of experience in whatever obscure technology they had roped themselves into. Lately, they've been asking for more specialized skills with less experience. Whew!

What a long, strange road it's been since the days of boom to bust and back again. I wonder if it's going to come in waves like that. Now, that would be interesting. If you can somehow manage to brave the storm of the next round of layoffs, you'll be in a better position for the next boom. [Nietzsche]

Second thought, that's a dumb idea. I just hope to be doing what I'm doing for as long as I can. If I ever end up not doing it, I'll probably take on something easier on the brain. I really enjoyed being a clerical temp for various companies.

Shhhhhh:
Don't tell anyone, but I don't have any meetings today, Tuesday or Wednesday. I have one meeting on Thursday and nothing on Friday. Which is a good thing, because I stayed out much later than I should have last night, and I'm paying for it today. I'm tempted to just close my door and veg - but that wouldn't be work saavy, now would it? My other option is to pay homage to one of the two past presidents whose birthdays we celebrate today and take 1/2 a day off.

That's tempting, [yawn] but I think I'll make it.

In other news:
One of the following happened this weekend:

1. Hell Froze Over
2. Pigs Flew
3. Cubs Won The World Series
4. Johnny! Got A Cellphone

I guess I was ready for a cellphone, because I'm planning on putting the house on the market (NEXT MONTH!), and all the people I've met in the last few months keep wondering why I am so hard to get ahold of:

A. Really a spy and don't want telephone records of my voice
B. Really married and living double life
C. Afraid of cellphones

I got an interesting piece of advise that I'm probably going to use.

The problem:
As you have probably read, I'm getting ready to sell my condo and throw 100k into finding a better place. I don't want to go from the frying pan into the fire by having the same problems with noise and stuff that I have now, though.

The solution:
Find a rental in the same complex that I'm considering buying and rent for a short period of time.

Analogy:
It's like dating before a 30 year marriage.

I'm the last person in the world to say that I'm better than anyone, so I won't, because I'm not. This entry is mostly about the disillusioned masses who surrounded Anna Nicole Smith during her firey rise and inevitable fall from the popular eye.

"We pray that she is granted the peace that eluded her more recent days on earth, and that she find comfort in the presence of her son, Daniel."

— Alex Goen, CEO and founder of TrimSpa

Hog wash! Baring some last second confession and acceptance of The Way, Anna Nicole Smith is at the very earliest beginnings of her pain. An eternity absent from the presence of God. When I die, my pain will end. When you die, will yours begin?

Everyone in the news seems to feel sorry for her; saying that she was a troubled celebrity. I say that she became a troubled celebrity by her own actions. There are countless heiresses like her and endless millionaire's daughters, like Paris Hilton, who manage to keep out of the spotlight and live an entirely normal life. It's the bad apples who embrace the tabloid and glitter lifestyle and plung America further down the toilet by their hedonistic actions.

But celebrities don't live in my world anyway. I don't keep up with the lives of strangers (provided they can manage to keep it off the real news channels). I've never been 'starstruck'. I've never hunted autographs except from very large mice and ducks.

I have but one Superstar in my life. One Celebrity. One Teacher. One Leader. One Ruler. One King. One Father. One Savior. One Lord. One God.

I gave my first SecondLife class on Friday. I decided that to make it interesting, we would make a compound object which would do something. I wanted something in the spirit of the graphical "Hello, World", which would be a teapot, so we made teacups out of a hollow hemisphere and a torus.

When everyone was reasonable happy with their teacups, we added a script which would make them spin or stop spinning when they're touched.



I think everyone had a nice time. I'd like to do this every Friday during lunch if management lets me. I'd really like to be good enough to do stuff like this.

You vote. I count four trampolines, three minivans and assorted other swingsets, clubhouses, etc. Ah, those were the best of times. The living in a real neighborhood part - not the having kids part.

Why don't they show "Groundhog Day" on tv on Groundhog Day? It's a mystery wrapped in an enigma folded in half 8 times. At any rate, enjoy this "holiday". We're having breakfast for lunch at work. Mmmmm, waffles.

Otherwise, things are just buzzing along at work. Too much of it, and not enough time. That's usually the best thing to have, but I have to be careful not to let work interfere with my life.

I'm off to look at open houses this weekend and do some more tax work. Then, it's off to a friend's house for Superbowl XLI. Whence the Roman numerals?