Monday, December 29, 2008
Divorce
I'll start by disclosing that I've been divorced longer than I was married. That's odd when I think about it, but I just thought I'd throw that out there to begin with.
Last night, Pastor mentioned something about divorce. His innocence of the subject was encouraging because it showed that he doesn't have to deal with that ugly thing very often.
For those who have never gone through divorce, I'd like to take a moment and eliminate this notion from ever entering your mind. Getting a divorce is easier than adopting a puppy. It's about as difficult as getting a fishing license. One person in the marriage requests a form from the city hall, fills it out and pays less than $200 in filing fees to the county clerk. Just now, my stomach has turned and I'm feeling a bit sick. Here's the most sterile portrayal of my divorce.
That's what it looks like on paper. Here's what it feels like after 6 years. After a few years of friendly conversation back and forth and a significant amount of self evaluation, I found in the Bible that the best thing for us was to reconcile. I certainly had my share of apologizing to do, and I came to the realization that she did as well. I prayed about it, and the more I prayed and the more I read my Bible, the more I understood that this little voice inside my head was telling me to take the big humility pill and do the right thing.
I had enough courage in me to build a bridge, cross it, and do whatever God needed for me to do in order to be back in His will. After all, God hates divorce, right? And according to the Bible (Matthew 5:32, Mark 10:11, 1 Cor 7:11, and others), remarriage is against God's will - a sin - under certain circumstances (Deut 24:4), it's an abomination! I don't know how else you can read those verses and think otherwise - for the divorcer anyway. Arguments?
So, God's will for her (the divorcer) was either to remain unmarried or reconcile. Perhaps I was being optimistic, but I at least needed to offer the olive branch of reconciliation. At least we had options. At least there was something good we could do in order to fix what we'd broken. At least there was hope.
Enter: her remarriage. Now, read those verses above again.
(Matthew 5:32, Mark 10:11, 1 Cor 7:11, and others)
Now, there's no way I can undo what I've done. There's no options left in that relationship. There's no --- hope. There's only weeping and gnashing of teeth every night for months. (I hate reliving this).
There is another place I know of mentioned in the Bible where there is no hope; There's another place where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth, and my failed marriage is that place. I understand what it's like not to have hope, but I also understand some much more significant - and lasting - even comforting.
When I call out to God, and apologize for all the opportunities for doing right that I had which I did not take; when I seek forgiveness for all the times I selfishly fell short of His will; when I humble myself and earnest seek His face and His will, I see Him.
I see him hanging on a tree. Nails in His hands and feet. Blood dripping down His forehead. Pain crossing His holy face, but with a loving expression and outstretched arms He responds, "Apology accepted."
That, my friend, is Love that I cannot express any other way, and that is the Love I feel with my Comforter. In today's vernacular, God looks down on all my mistakes and applies the blood of His Son and announces, "Do over". But that's not the end of the story. "Do over" doesn't mean you get to change the rules. No sir, Plan "B" does not mean that I can tear pages out of my Bible. It means that I have another chance to submit myself to His presence and His perfect will - whatever that will might be.
I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if God will ever replace my stone. I pray that He will, but I know - and He knows - that it won't be the reaction to a warm fuzzy feeling and a few trite Bible verses about the bliss of marriage. I don't want His permission. I don't want His allowance. I don't want anything short of His will. I pray as fervently and as righteously as I know how, but nevertheless, not my will, but Thine be done.
That's the part of Christianity that means submitting yourself to completely to God. Of giving yourself to God for whatever purposes He sees fit. If He calls me to Africa, I'll go. If He calls me to drive a bus, I'll drive. If He calls me to give, I'll give. Right now, He's called me to "be still" and know that He is God.
Last night, Pastor mentioned something about divorce. His innocence of the subject was encouraging because it showed that he doesn't have to deal with that ugly thing very often.
For those who have never gone through divorce, I'd like to take a moment and eliminate this notion from ever entering your mind. Getting a divorce is easier than adopting a puppy. It's about as difficult as getting a fishing license. One person in the marriage requests a form from the city hall, fills it out and pays less than $200 in filing fees to the county clerk. Just now, my stomach has turned and I'm feeling a bit sick. Here's the most sterile portrayal of my divorce.
Case No. 2195438402
In the Matter of the Marriage of TRACY LYNN COLINO Vs. JOHN EDWARD COLINO
12/10/2002 PETITION FOR DIVORCE
12/11/2002 WAIVER OF CITATION
02/17/2003 FINAL DECREE OF DIVORCE SIGNED
02/17/2003 PROVE UP (TCOLINO/PRO SE)
02/19/2003 SENT CERTIFIED COPY OF DECREE TO JOHN
Cost: $177 Receipt #024109500002
That's what it looks like on paper. Here's what it feels like after 6 years. After a few years of friendly conversation back and forth and a significant amount of self evaluation, I found in the Bible that the best thing for us was to reconcile. I certainly had my share of apologizing to do, and I came to the realization that she did as well. I prayed about it, and the more I prayed and the more I read my Bible, the more I understood that this little voice inside my head was telling me to take the big humility pill and do the right thing.
I had enough courage in me to build a bridge, cross it, and do whatever God needed for me to do in order to be back in His will. After all, God hates divorce, right? And according to the Bible (Matthew 5:32, Mark 10:11, 1 Cor 7:11, and others), remarriage is against God's will - a sin - under certain circumstances (Deut 24:4), it's an abomination! I don't know how else you can read those verses and think otherwise - for the divorcer anyway. Arguments?
So, God's will for her (the divorcer) was either to remain unmarried or reconcile. Perhaps I was being optimistic, but I at least needed to offer the olive branch of reconciliation. At least we had options. At least there was something good we could do in order to fix what we'd broken. At least there was hope.
Enter: her remarriage. Now, read those verses above again.
(Matthew 5:32, Mark 10:11, 1 Cor 7:11, and others)
Now, there's no way I can undo what I've done. There's no options left in that relationship. There's no --- hope. There's only weeping and gnashing of teeth every night for months. (I hate reliving this).
There is another place I know of mentioned in the Bible where there is no hope; There's another place where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth, and my failed marriage is that place. I understand what it's like not to have hope, but I also understand some much more significant - and lasting - even comforting.
When I call out to God, and apologize for all the opportunities for doing right that I had which I did not take; when I seek forgiveness for all the times I selfishly fell short of His will; when I humble myself and earnest seek His face and His will, I see Him.
I see him hanging on a tree. Nails in His hands and feet. Blood dripping down His forehead. Pain crossing His holy face, but with a loving expression and outstretched arms He responds, "Apology accepted."
That, my friend, is Love that I cannot express any other way, and that is the Love I feel with my Comforter. In today's vernacular, God looks down on all my mistakes and applies the blood of His Son and announces, "Do over". But that's not the end of the story. "Do over" doesn't mean you get to change the rules. No sir, Plan "B" does not mean that I can tear pages out of my Bible. It means that I have another chance to submit myself to His presence and His perfect will - whatever that will might be.
I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if God will ever replace my stone. I pray that He will, but I know - and He knows - that it won't be the reaction to a warm fuzzy feeling and a few trite Bible verses about the bliss of marriage. I don't want His permission. I don't want His allowance. I don't want anything short of His will. I pray as fervently and as righteously as I know how, but nevertheless, not my will, but Thine be done.
That's the part of Christianity that means submitting yourself to completely to God. Of giving yourself to God for whatever purposes He sees fit. If He calls me to Africa, I'll go. If He calls me to drive a bus, I'll drive. If He calls me to give, I'll give. Right now, He's called me to "be still" and know that He is God.
Labels: beliefs, christianity, church, faith, what i believe
Friday, December 26, 2008
矛盾
Chinese: 矛盾; pinyin: máodùn; literally "Spear-Shield".
There is an ancient Chinese story about a salesman who was trying to sell a spear and a shield. "This shield is so strong", he told a prospective customer, "That it will withstand an attack from any spear."
"Tell me about this spear you are selling, then", said the customer.
"Ah, this spear is so powerful, that it will have victory over any shield", boasted the salesman.
"But what if I attack this shield with this spear?" was the next obvious question.
A paradox.
When an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. From what I know of physics all you can get is heat and friction until both the object and the force are completely destroyed. This is not the case with doing God's will. God is both the unstoppable force and the immovable object.
In comparison, we are like a single stick of straw growing for a day. We can resist God's will to the point of being useless and cast into the fire. I've been praying for some months now about God's specific will for my life. So far, I've received nothing except, "Be still and know that I am God". I've also gotten a lot out of the Bible with respect to what God commands a saved person to live like. We are to feed the hungry, clothe the naked and shelter the poor. It's plain to see that we're also called to go to the outer reaches of the world (and our own neighborhoods) and tell others about Christ. Lastly, I find that I am called to be holy. Not for salvation's sake, but for the sake of Christ who saved me.
But those are all the general will of God. Everyone who calls themselves a Christian is called to go, and feed, and tell, and be. While I wait on God, I need to ensure that I'm living my life in such a way that I will be ready when His will is made known to me. Like the virgins awaiting the bridegroom. Like a servant who waits on their master.
Because there is an unstoppable sword, and I am no unmovable object. Walk on.
There is an ancient Chinese story about a salesman who was trying to sell a spear and a shield. "This shield is so strong", he told a prospective customer, "That it will withstand an attack from any spear."
"Tell me about this spear you are selling, then", said the customer.
"Ah, this spear is so powerful, that it will have victory over any shield", boasted the salesman.
"But what if I attack this shield with this spear?" was the next obvious question.
A paradox.
When an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. From what I know of physics all you can get is heat and friction until both the object and the force are completely destroyed. This is not the case with doing God's will. God is both the unstoppable force and the immovable object.
In comparison, we are like a single stick of straw growing for a day. We can resist God's will to the point of being useless and cast into the fire. I've been praying for some months now about God's specific will for my life. So far, I've received nothing except, "Be still and know that I am God". I've also gotten a lot out of the Bible with respect to what God commands a saved person to live like. We are to feed the hungry, clothe the naked and shelter the poor. It's plain to see that we're also called to go to the outer reaches of the world (and our own neighborhoods) and tell others about Christ. Lastly, I find that I am called to be holy. Not for salvation's sake, but for the sake of Christ who saved me.
But those are all the general will of God. Everyone who calls themselves a Christian is called to go, and feed, and tell, and be. While I wait on God, I need to ensure that I'm living my life in such a way that I will be ready when His will is made known to me. Like the virgins awaiting the bridegroom. Like a servant who waits on their master.
Because there is an unstoppable sword, and I am no unmovable object. Walk on.
Hebrews 4:12
"For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart."
Monday, December 01, 2008
End of year bonuses
I'm pretty sure that my bonus is going to be a small one this year. Not that I haven't put in my share of 80 hour weeks (and even 24 hour days). Not that I haven't been dedicated to the success of my projects. Not for anything that I may have done or failed to do. I was walking down the hallway this morning (as I came in at 6am this morning), and noticed a sign. It stated something along the lines of:
"Please try to remove all unnecessary white space from your documents before printing in order to save paper."
We're in deep do-do.
"Please try to remove all unnecessary white space from your documents before printing in order to save paper."
We're in deep do-do.
